honestly ok
by storyweaver
Summary: Gwen struggles to rebuild her life after losing the man she loves. (1/1)


honestly ok

Gwenyth Annabel Hotchkiss smiled as numerous cameras flashed, capturing her picture for the newspaper headlines that would grace tomorrow's morning papers. Her bra pinched, her feet hurt, and she had been ogoled by countless inebriated fools over the period of a few short minutes. She was definitely ready to retire for the evening, but duty called her to stay for the remainder of tonight's dinner and showcase. She walked down the line of reporters, photographers, and cameramen, answering questions as they came, smiling when they asked her to. Less than one hour had passed and the event was sure to last well into the night. There was no escaping it, so she put on the best face she could to represent her father's company.

As she turned her head for another photograph, Gwen swore to herself she would payback her older brother Stephen for thrusting the responsibilities of tonight onto her. She had been packed and ready to enjoy a week of sun and relaxation in the Virgin Islands, a gift she had given herself for having worked so hard over the past few months.Yes, tonight was the fruit of her labour, the realization of all the countless hours spent making sure the new division of Hotchkiss Enterprises would be ready for launch on time, but she felt duped in having to postpone her vacation due to one or another of her brother's endless problems. 

i just want to feel  
safe in my own skin  
i just want to be  
happy again

Steve should have been standing here, posing for the continuous stream of photographers. He should have been the one to answer the inane questions of Hotchkiss Enterprise's foray into the aviation sector. He should be the one suffering from total and utter boredom at another of the company's parties. But as easily as always, Steve had found some way to sneak away from his duties, thus shouldering them onto her. She was peeved and would make damn sure he felt some of her current anger the next time they happened to meet. Bowing away from the press, Gwen turned and quickly walked towards the glass doors leading out onto the patio of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

It was a mid-July night and Gwen had dressed accordingly in a very stylish, black Ann Taylor boatneck sheath dress with Asian bud embroidery. Though she hadn't forseen a cold front moving through New York City, causing tonight's chilly air, she had miracuously brought along the matching gauze wrap. Pulling the pink wool tightly around her shoulders, Gwen strolled purposefully away from the few others who were mingling about on the balcony. Finding an empty concrete bench far enough away in a corner, she took a seat and stared out into the bright city night.

i just want to feel  
deep in my own world  
but i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore 

How had her life come to this? she wondered to herself. Her days were constantly filled with some type of work or the other. When one project was finished, she eagerly threw herself into the next. For the past year, it seemed that had been the choosen path. And all because of what? Ethan Crane. Just thinking the name made a boil of anger rise within her. She had become the ultimate dependant female. Sure on the outside, it seemed that she was independant enough to help run one of the East coast's leading conglomerates, but people didn't know the driving force behind her dedication to her work. And that driving force was simplified in one word. Ethan. 

It had been hard to watch him and Theresa plan the wedding that was supposed to have belonged to her. Angered beyond belief at Theresa's maninpulations and lies, along with the hurt that came from Ethan's own betrayal, Gwen could barely stand being in the room with either of them. Yet, she had had to endure the couple's numerous wedding plans with a smile on her face and words of congratulations on her lips. But she had held strong, because she would not let the actions of two inconsiderate people break her down. And as much as she had wanted to stay true to that line of thinking, she had finally come undone at their wedding only months later.

on a different day  
if i was safe in my own skin  
then i wouldn't feel  
lost and so frightened 

She hadn't cried or thrown a fit. No, her breakdown had been a silent one. Watching Theresa walk down towards Ethan. Seeing the respect, admiration, and love in Ethan's eyes for the woman who would soon bee his wife. Hearing the vows the two had written for each other. It had all been just too much for her. The second after the priest had announced Ethan and Theresa man and wife, Gwen had gotten up, walked out, and hadn't looked back since. Now it had been eight months and she hadn't been back to the small town of Harmony, Maine. Eight months of throwing herself into work to escape the feeling of loss. Eight months she had pushed herself beyond her own limits so she wouldn't have a moment to think about the life she should have been leading.

Brushing a stray strand of blonde hair out of her eye, Gwen willed the tears that had come with the memories away. She hadn't cried then and she sure as hell wouldn't cry now. She had to stop living in order to escape Ethan. At the rate she was going, she would end up like her live-only-for-work father in no time. She had to let the events of the past go in order to be able to move on to the future. The sentence was once that was familiar to her, but the words were easier said than done. Quite simply put, she was stuck in a rut. Work was all she knew and she was afraid to involve herself in a relationship because of the possibility of rejection. 

but this is today   
and i'm lost in my own skin  
and i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore 

But she definitely didn't want to spend another night like this, stuck at some function as a representative of her father's company. She wanted to live again. She needed to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to immediately begin some project in order to keep the thoughts of Ethan away. She needed to do something for herself, which she had been planning with the vacation to the Virgin Islands. Yet even now, that would be postponed for a few weeks at the least because of this weekend's showcase benefits. She knew come Monday, there would be some matter or the other that would need urgent attention and she would willingly jump in to take care of it.

Gwen blew air into the cool night, watching as her breath swirled around before disappearing into the darkness. Tonight, along with the next two, did not have to be a complete bust. Just because she had to play spokeswoman for Hotchkiss Aviation didn't mean that she couldn't have fun in some other way. She was in New York City, one of the world most exciting metropolis'. There were bars, night clubs, and parties galore. Surely, she could find something non-work-related to throw herself into. There was no written etiquette that said she had to stay for all of tonight's premiere party. She could easily slip out and be back to tomorrow without being sorely missed.

and now you'll see, oh  
how it feels, oh  
and i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore 

Having decided that she should do something for herself, if just this once, Gwen got up and purposefully made her way towards the doors she had come out just minutes before. She scanned the large room briefly before locating her target and making her way towards the young woman. Shantae Miller was a young woman just out of college who had somehow weaseled her way into becoming Gwen's assistant. Bright and resourceful, with a sense of humor to boot, the two had quickly become close friends as well as co-workers. If there was any one person who could guide her in having a night of fun in the big city, it would be Shantae. 

Smiling as she made her way through the throngs of people in attendence, Gwen pondered which exit it would be easier for them to escape through. Probably the kitchen one she figured, sidling up to Shantae. She listened as the woman finished what seemed to have been a long diatribe on the future plans of Hotchkiss Aviation to a group of eager investors. After finishing, Gwen quickly said her hellos before excusing both herself and Shantae. As Gwen steered the two towards the kitchen door, she explained her plan to Shantae. Seeing her friends cocoa eyes light up in surprise, Gwen knew the two would have a great time tonight. Her only wish was that she could prolong the building exhileration into the rest of her days.

i just want to feel  
safe in my own skin  
i just want to be   
happy again

As she and Shantae made their way through the crowds of people, Gwen kept up the facade she had for months now. No matter what her inner turmoil, she had an image to uphold for the sake of her father's company. Jonathan Hotchkiss was a man who prided himself on being whomever or whatever potential investors wanted him to be just as long as he got their money in the end. Gwen had quickly picked up her father's secret mentality and had found that people wanted to spend money on a sure thing. Being bright, put together, and positive about any future plans of the company always translated well to those with millions free to spend.

But tonight, when she was no longer in the company of potential investors and the like, she would shed all her masks. Tonight was for her. She had put her happiness on hold for long enough it was high time she whipped it out again. As Shantae told her a joke about one or another of the investors, the two made their way outside into the cool city night. Taking in a big breath of air, Gwen knew skipping out on the gala had been a good decision, even if only for one night. Yes. Tonight was when she would reclaim her happiness. No more living to escape the memories of yesterday. It was about time Gwen Hotchkiss started living for herself.

s o n g c r e d i t - Honestly Ok by Dido off 1999's No Angel 


End file.
